If you feel like there has been more tension lately on your Slack feed, in your Zoom meeting, or at your office, you’re not alone. In 2021 about 89% of employees admitted experiencing conflict in the workplace and had spent about 3.5 hours a week dealing with it. However, there’s hope for getting along, according to the March-April 2022 Harvard Business Review Magazine article “Managing a Polarized Workforce”.

In the article, the authors Julia A. Minson and Francesca Gino dispel the three myths about disagreements that hold us back from talking with each other. They then provide advice on four ways to approach disagreements more productively.

3 Myths of Conflicts

1) People who disagree with us do so because they are uninformed or unintelligent. People who disagree with us are not uninformed. More likely, they are informed differently than us. People with different opinions tend to have different sources of information to confirm a point of view. 

2) Disagreement will make people defensive.

People who disagree with us aren’t always “defensive.” It’s true a person might exhibit high levels of anger, irritation, and disgust. That reaction is quite common. The real problem is when we interpret this reaction as people feeling threatened and assuming the person’s rejection of an argument is due to their ego. 

3) Disagreement is bad.

The majority of us feel conflict is negative and go to great lengths to avoid it. However, when disagreements are managed well, people tend to get better results. We often avoid disagreements because we feel it will lead to disaster or that people won’t listen with an open mind. The reality is that true collaboration is about dealing productively with opposing views. Fortunately, there are some ways we can learn to handle conflict.

4 High Level Strategies for Dealing With Conflict

1) Defuse fears of disagreeing with others.

We often avoid disagreement because we fear its potential effects. However, disagreement is where we learn things—about ourselves and others. The authors suggest work training could focus on seeking points of agreement with opponents. Often, we agree on more than we think. Second, the authors suggest focusing on the task that is in disagreement, not the person.

For more training on learning how to take on difficult conversations, consider emotional intelligence expert JP Pawliw-Fry. JP works as a consultant to help people prepare for last 8% conversations teaching strategies for how to discuss hard things.

2) Teach people to be open-minded.

Cultivating an open mind takes lots of practice. In order to train yourself to have an open mind, you need to intentionally consider information from the opposing perspective. The authors suggest using the listening triangle. In the listening triangle, you ask your opponent about his or her views, listen to the answer, and then restate it in your own words to make sure you understand it correctly. But don’t stop there. Repeat the process with the same or similar question so you can go deeper.

If you would like to learn more about how to listen and discuss things deeper, consider Liz Wiseman, the Wall Street Journal bestselling author of Multipliers and a top leadership keynote speaker. She discusses how the best types of leaders know how to listen and ask hard questions.

3) Pick your words carefully.

It’s no surprise the language we use can quickly escalate or deescalate a conflict. The authors suggest people defuse situations by hedging their claims. Use words like “sometimes” and “often” instead of “always” and “never.” You should also emphasize agreement by saying things like “we both want…” and acknowledge the other’s perspective saying “I understand that you believe…” Finally, reframe your ideas in positive language.

For more on using language to negotiate difficult situations, consider negotiation expert  Christopher Voss. Voss is a former kidnapping negotiator for the FBI  and author of the national bestselling book, Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As if Your Life Depended On It.  From experience, he knows how to use language to diffuse an argument and move on to a more productive discussion.

4) Foster a culture that encourages tolerance. 

Finally, the authors suggest making changes to the company culture to create more tolerance in your organization. Managers and leaders need to set the tone for the company by modeling the language and communication styles of openness and receptiveness.

For more on building a more tolerant culture, consider Risha Grant, a diversity, equity, and inclusion expert who helps companies communicate better with each other and their clients.

If you would like your company to have more productive conversations, contact BigSpeak Speakers Bureau for a keynote speaker expert or consultant.